The third episode of Hard Ticket dropped this week with a showdown between classic animated films Lilo & Stitch and How to Train Your Dragon. Both pictures tell stories of the proverbial “other” being accepted, as we were once told was the American way. So without further ado, let’s dive into the episode, with the same enthusiasm we’re diving into fascism with.
Jeff makes clear his longstanding affection for How to Train Your Dragon. Despite its inferiority to and inspiration from Lilo & Stitch, he chooses this film as his hard ticket. Normally, I would use this as an opportunity to accuse him of being an alcoholic, and make a crude comment—probably something relating to Hiccup being both the protagonist and a stereotypical symptom of his drunkenness. In this case, however, I understand where he’s coming from. I also have fond childhood memories of watching movies with my mom. Jeff had How to Train Your Dragon, Harry Potter, and the Dark Knight Trilogy. I had The Goonies, Wayne’s World, and the Dark Knight porn parody (which takes a much more racially insensitive interpretation of “dark”, ultimately undermining an otherwise fabulous all-Black cast and stellar production design). One of the elements of Hard Ticket’s analysis of the movie that stuck out to me, though, was Tristan’s infatuation with the two-headed dragons. I don’t know Tristan well enough to confront him on this, but I will say that if he’s as obsessed with head as it seems, he’s really gonna enjoy Dark Knight XXX, directed by Fist-Up-Her Nolan. There’s a scene where Batman and Joker go head to head while their penises are likewise latched head to head in a Chinese finger trap, and it is shot beautifully.
On the subject of sex appeal, let’s talk Lilo & Stitch. More specifically, let’s not talk about Lilo or Stitch, as at least one of the two of them is a minor. But let’s talk about Nani, who I can’t believe doesn’t get a shout out for her role as an icon in the lesbian community, and during Pride month of all times! I’m trying to give more grace in my reviews, but I draw the line at this example of lesbian erasure. Lilo & Stitch cannot be separated from its place in the queer community—it was woke before woke was woke. All the way back in 2002, this movie was awakening young women’s sexual identities, putting working-class women of color in the spotlight, and showcasing a literal illegal alien’s conflict with Federal agents. At the time, ICE and the DHS were being formed, and we were supposed to root for the alien who was in the United States illegally. How to Train Your Dragon, on the other hand, did nothing to stop the mass rendition of people to El Salvador, Libya, and South Sudan. I understand that Jeff grew up with How to Train Your Dragon, but its shit-lib animal rights message simply can’t compare to the full-throated “Chinga La Migra” thesis of Lilo & Stitch.
Despite their differences in opinion on the innate human rights of people regardless of place of birth, both movies’ conflicts fall into the category of “Man vs. Society”. For those who aren’t graduates of WVU, I’ll give a brief lesson. “Man vs. Society” is one of the fundamental forms of conflict in storytelling. Others would include “Man vs. Man”, “Man vs. Nature”, and “Man vs. Batman vs. Superman”, based on the notion that we are all locked in a species-wide conflict with Zach Snyder. This includes Scott Snyder, who was very nice to me at Los Angeles Comic Con last year and said his brother sucks worm piss. The final form of conflict is “Man vs. Jeff and Tristan’s Secret Episode”. Because of its long name, the beginning of “Jeff” and the end of “Tristan” are usually put together, and the secret episode is therefore referred to as the Jeffstein Files. It’s impossible to know for sure, but I have a feeling the Jeffstein Files have a surprise appearance by Bill Clinton!
To end the review of Episode 3, we should answer some of the questions posed in the podcast. First, my Viking name would be the same as my nickname in high school—Soft Top the Mouth. Secondly, if you were going to take an aspect of a sea cucumber and apply it to Toothless, the answer is obvious. Sea cucumbers ejaculate when threatened, as shown in the documentary Jackass 2. Dragon cum is notably missing from How to Train Your Dragon, which is a shame because it could have been beautifully rendered and lit. Finally, if I could make a genre flick set anywhere, it would be a romantic comedy set in Morgantown. It would star Jeffrey and me, and would include several non-simulated full penetration sex scenes.
And now, if you’ll excuse me, I really must attend to my bees.
Hard Flickit 