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The countdown to Christmas is on, and Hard Ticket is hard at work with their Hard Ticket to Halloween series. It’s definitely their fault that the holidays are so out of synch and not because I’m late. This week’s timely episode features a subterranean skirmish between The Descent and Barbarian. Get ready to be drilled… Read more

Legendary podcast Hard Ticket put together one of the bloodiest events since the last time America did a war crime yesterday. Hostel vs. House of 1,000 Corpses. It’s like being stuck between a rock and hard place while watching someone being graphically crushed between a rock and a hard place! It is also worth noting… Read more

This week’s episode of Hard Ticket featured a clash between quasi-horror classics Tucker & Dale vs. Evil and The Cabin in the Woods. Also, Jeff did a Shaggy impression. Zoinks, Scoob! Like, don’t fact check my claim that the episode came out this week! 2010’s Tucker & Dale vs. Evil served as a badly needed… Read more

Get ready to sharpen your fifteen rows of serrated teeth, because this episode is all about sharks. Contrary to what you may see in Big Shark and Sharknado, however, sharks are not actually insatiable man-eaters. You’re thinking of RFK Jr. Also, sharks do not cause autism, but obsession with them is a common sign. Big… Read more

This week’s episode of Hard Ticket last month was a scathing love letter to the work of renowned artisans Anthony and Joseph Russo. Taking the reins on Captain America: The Winter Soldier in 2014, the Russo brothers moved the MCU forward in a brave, new direction, which happened to be fundamentally consistent with its original… Read more

This week’s episode of Hard Ticket has really fucked with my conception of who this character is supposed to be. This Is Spinal Tap and The Rutles: All You Need Is Cash clashed in a truly calamitous battle of the bands. This cosmic struggle is miraculously upstaged, however, by my first ever shout-out on the… Read more

This week’s episode of Hard Ticket pit modern classic Scott Pilgrim vs. The World against hidden gem Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. This will be the last time I type out either movie’s name in full. Movie names should always be short, and preferably monosyllabic, like Tusk. Unfortunately, neither of these films features a… Read more

Hard Ticket’s second newest episode featured a matchup between 1917 and Dunkirk. Much like the latter’s life-saving boats, my review is a tad late. In my defense, I’m now a graduate student, medical professional, current hater and aspiring lover. My time is simply too valuable to review a regularly releasing podcast, and frankly, it’s selfish… Read more

I hope you got your fucking sleep during my hiatus, maggots. I initially thought it appropriate to combine my reviews of both parts of the 10th-episode extravaganza into one single article, much the same as the sperm on your dad’s back combined with the sweat dripping from my paunch to form that Goldilocks-perfect porridge you’re… Read more

This week’s episode of Hard Ticket was a 2-on-1 matchup between Sherlock Jr. and The General and Hundreds of Beavers. These three silent films help to establish a theme, criticizing the refusal of US representatives to speak out against the genocide in Gaza. I, for one, support the Hard Ticket boys for standing up for… Read more

This week’s episode of Hard Ticket represented a particularly difficult choice for all the foodies in the audience. But I’m not one of them, and am therefore able to be a completely impartial and unquestionable critic. This week saw the first ever three-way match-up on the pod, and another guest swung by for this aural… Read more

This week’s episode of Hard Ticket pits classic teen movies 10 Things I Hate About You and American Pie against each other. It’s a fairly lopsided matchup, however, and I think a more fair bout could have been arranged between 10 Things I Hate About You and something more prestigious, like Survachelors. 10 Things I… Read more

The latest episode of Hard Ticket pits slapstick rom-com American Psycho against memecore banger Vampire’s Kiss. Christian Bale and Nicholas Cage both deliver stellar performances which I assume left a wet spot in the Hard Ticket corporate recording studio, but which was wettest? American Psycho is a movie which I had never considered to be… Read more

Episode 5 of gestational education podcast Hard Ticket came out this Friday, featuring a clash between Batman Begins and Man of Steel. Much like the latter’s fugly step-sequel, Batman v. Superman, things don’t go well for the titular man of steel. As the superhero comic book industry began in 1938 with the release of Action… Read more

In the fourth episode of the now infamous Hard Ticket podcast, the choice is between extraterrestrial epics Independence Day and War of the Worlds. Now, obviously, if we’re going to discuss any science fiction worth its salt, we’ll have to take a look at the history of America’s war on terror. So let’s jump into… Read more

The third episode of Hard Ticket dropped this week with a showdown between classic animated films Lilo & Stitch and How to Train Your Dragon. Both pictures tell stories of the proverbial “other” being accepted, as we were once told was the American way. So without further ado, let’s dive into the episode, with the… Read more

Happy West Virginia Day, everyone! To celebrate the rich heritage we all have as native Appalachians and not coastal elite Californians, we’ll be diving into two classics—Deliverance and Wrong Turn. I haven’t seen either of these movies, but I certainly get the gist from Jeff’s excellent review. They’re movies built on Appalachian racism (the kind… Read more

Well, folks, Jeff’s finally entered the podcast game. And now that he has, I realize the missing ingredient in every one of his written Jefflix posts was the human voice. Specifically, the dulcet music emanating from what I can only assume is the hot pink, gaping wet throat of this velvet-tongued, baritone motherfucker. It’s made… Read more

This is it. It’s the wettest day of the year. A day our Mayan forefathers knew was so wet it would retroactively flood the entire decade which came before it, all the way back to 2012. It is Wet Brandon Day, the most important holiday in the Jewish faith. Gentiles have Good Friday, we have… Read more

Hello, my children. It’s been quite a long while since Jeff has given us shit content to suckle upon, but in the spirit of the Christmas season, he has risen. I might be confusing Easter and Christmas, but the point is that Jeff finally posted something new. “Monthly Movies”, Jeff’s soft core reboot, is a… Read more

Jeff’s new review, “Kung Fu Panda Might Be a Masterpiece”, is a scathing celebration of the 2008 instructional DVD Kung Fu Panda. This animated adaptation of the Wu-Tang Clan’s shared hallucination tells the story of a fat piece of shit with no experience beating someone who devoted their entire lives to pursuing a goal. In… Read more

2019 was quite a year for Jefflix. We saw some of Jeff’s worst work yet, but most importantly, I began studying him in an effort to document his every incoherent syllable. Here’s a look back at the best and worst of 2019, however interchangeable they may be. Most Overlooked: “12 Days of Cinema: The Rise… Read more

Jeff’s newest post finishes out his 12 Days of Cinema series, which ended the day after Christmas, just like in the Bible. “12 Days of Cinema: The Irishman” is a critique of not only the Netflix original movie centered around Jimmy Hoffa’s quest to continue touching Frank Sheeran’s daughter way too much, but also the… Read more

In his new review, “12 Days of Cinema: Late Night”, Jeff critiques the absolute blockbuster starring Mindy Kaling and a David Bowie lookalike in a pantsuit. Jeff calls the movie a “box office bomb”, which is completely offensive, not to mention, hypocritical. Survachelors was his finest work, and it didn’t even come close to $15.5M… Read more

Jeff’s new review, “12 Days of Cinema: The Last Black Man in San Francisco”, is a critique of the long-awaited reboot of Ice Cube’s family classic, Are We Done Yet? Unfortunately, Jeff’s honky ass lacks the perspective to understand the deep history of discrimination that shaped either of these films. Also, there is kind of… Read more

In his new review, “12 Days of Cinema: The Lighthouse”, Jeff manages to weave together one of his most meta reviews yet. The Lighthouse is a story of slipping sanity and homoerotic tension between tween heartthrobs Robert Pattinson and Willem Dafoe. Jeff’s review mirrors this slow decline into madness, skillfully playing with the line between… Read more

Jeff’s new review, “12 Days of Cinema: A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood”, is a critique of the movie starring America’s favorite mediocre white guy with a dream, Tom Hanks. Once again, Jeff’s big complaint is that a biopic isn’t historically accurate. We suffered through his Bohemian Rhapsody review, and now it’s happening again. Of… Read more

Jeff’s new review, “12 Days of Cinema: Guava Island”, is a critique of the Amazon original starring Rihanna and Childish Gambino. It is a story of a bunch of red motherfuckers oppressing a bunch of blue motherfuckers in the dystopian setting of Guava Island, whose chief natural resource is, you guessed it, NOT guava fruit.… Read more

Jeff’s newest review, “12 Days of Cinema: Marriage Story”, focuses on the Netflix original movie where Kylo Ren and Black Widow get a divorce. My only complaint for the movie is that it wasn’t on Disney+. Way to brag about your “stable, loving family”, Jeff. And in the second fucking paragraph no less. Are you… Read more

“Pretty much anyone who knows me could tell you this is my kind of movie right off the bat.” Yep. Jeff is so flagrantly pro-child abuse that he believes we all know it. And we do, but it’s still a little jarring to hear it stated so bluntly in his new review “12 Days of… Read more

Jeff’s new review, “12 Days of Cinema: Knives Out”, is a tantalizing murder mystery in and of itself. The question is this: who killed Jeff’s last brain cell? Jeff calls the movie a “knock-out entry in a long-neglected genre”. Is he forgetting Adam Sandler’s modern masterpiece so aptly entitled “Murder Mystery”? Jeff shouldn’t be throwing… Read more

After reading Jeff’s new review of Ford v Ferrari, I’m thankful for one thing: Roe v Wade. I only wish Jeff’s parents felt the same way. Thanks for writing a spoiler-free review, Jeff. I wouldn’t wanna know any important plot points for a racecar movie. Do the cars go fast? Is there gonna be a… Read more

Jeff’s new review, “12 Days of Cinema: Jojo Rabbit” gets worse than the low-effort pun in the title, but not much. I may be a lowly, soy-boy beta pagan, but I’m pretty the sure the 12 days of Christmas didn’t start on December 2nd and then skip a day. I don’t know why he’d skip… Read more

Upon reading this review, you may come to realize two things: it’s longer than anything ever should be and it’s very poorly written. These are both due to the fact that all I’ve done is copy and paste Jeff’s review and change some words. And it’s still better than his review because he’s a fucking… Read more

This review is one of Jefflix’s best, if you like run-on sentences about the technical aspects of the film Bohemian Rhapsody, which is a film that has been nominated for an Oscar, which is an award given for accomplishment in the film business, which is an industry built on sexual misconduct and cocaine, which is… Read more

Spider-Man: Far From Home is the best Spider-Man movie yet, even better than than Spider-Man 3. But Jefflix wants to complain about stuff because he’s “honest” or whatever. He’s objectively wrong. This review is filled with flaws the way Shaquille O’Neal’s basement is filled with children. The review opens with the statement “Shoehorning Spider-Man into… Read more

Jefflix’s review of the popular Amazon Prime series is a better read than most, but still suffers from some major flaws. This post is not spoiler-free. When it comes to reviews, we all generally expect a certain level of stupidity from Jefflix, but this is a rare case of decency. I read almost the whole… Read more

Jefflix reviews the ninth film from esteemed foot fetishist Quentin Tarantino, Once Upon a Time… In Hollywood. Who the fuck thinks Quentin Tarantino is overrated? Vaccine accidents. That’s who. Jefflix claims to respect Tarantino’s violent style, but I’ve never once seen him throw a can at someone’s face. Also, he never once mentions Margot Robbie’s… Read more