I hope you got your fucking sleep during my hiatus, maggots. I initially thought it appropriate to combine my reviews of both parts of the 10th-episode extravaganza into one single article, much the same as the sperm on your dad’s back combined with the sweat dripping from my paunch to form that Goldilocks-perfect porridge you’re eating for breakfast. But then I had another thought. What if, instead of a review, I share my own version of the top 10 lists in the episode? Wonder no longer, dipshit, here’s my first list!
Top 10 4 Movies I Think I Might Have Seen With Jeff
To preface this section, I’m not a fucking simp who keeps track of who I see movies with. I’m too busy being engrossed in the story, falling in love with the characters, and struggling to maintain an erection during sex scenes. Jeff might have been here for these movies, or maybe he wasn’t. Maybe Jeffrey was only present in theory, occupying conceptual space as a hypothetical entity, like when Israel says maybe Hamas was in that school they annihilated, and we’re all left questioning if words even have meanings anymore. And just like October 7th, no one really remembers exactly what happened when I watched these movies, but at this point things have escalated to the point where the truth makes very little difference.
4. Avengers: Endgame
I saw Endgame three times while it was in theatres, so there’s a good chance one of those was with Jeff. The main thing is that this movie really represents the peak of the MCU. Shortly afterwards, the decline of the franchise would follow, with America following quickly behind.
3. I’m Thinking of Ending Things
This mind-bending tale is almost as compelling as the mystery of who I fucking watched this with. I know Jeffrey and I talked about it, though and that’s what really matters.
2. Jack Frost
This one’s a classic, and it was certainly exciting to see our titular villain make a comeback in the new Naked Gun.
1. Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman
How many times has a sequel been better than the original? Jack Frost 2 does the impossible and improves upon the already perfect concept of a mutant killer snowman. These snowball mutant fetuses (fetii?) really take things up a notch.
Top 10 Bathroom Scenes
Everyone has to go to the bathroom. Even those of us who prefer to sleep in the room with the toilet and shit in the room with the bed occupy at some point something which could be considered a “bathroom”. There’s definitely some movies which deserve their shoutout on the pod, but I think these ten movies got left behind like a stray pube on the metaphorical toilet seat of audio-based entertainment.
10. Psycho
Yes, the obligatory Hitchcock praise is here. It’s an iconic scene that stands the test of time, but also Hitchcock is fucking insane and I think that’s funny. He once measured the houses of all the crew working on one of his movies, then sent them furniture as a “gift”, knowing it would be too big to fit in their houses. He also threw live crows at Tippi Hedren during the filming of The Birds. You don’t pull some shit like that without a few potty breaks to recharge.
9. It
The new It has bathroom scenes as well, but they’re not executed with the same style as the original. Really, the only thing the remakes have going for them is that sweet, sweet Bill Skarsgard boy pussy (BiSkaBussy).
8. Full Metal Jacket
The first time I saw this movie, I thought it was a comedy about how silly the US military-industrial complex could be. Private Snowball is a whimsical name given to someone who is on their way to commit atrocities for the sake of American empire. This bathroom scene is where those notions were flipped for me. I now realized that Full Metal Jacket was an aspirational movie, no different from Superman. The world would be a better place if more American soldiers followed Gomer Pyle’s example.
7. Booksmart
Some would say that Olivia Wilde’s 2019 comedy is a rehashing of classic comedy Superbad, painted over with a generous layer of impotent Trump-era identity liberalism. But also, it makes me laugh so whatever.
6. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
Mike Myers went from strength to strength, following the success of Halloween with groovy spy romp Austin Powers. Beneath the veneer of absurd toilet humor, this scene begs the question—if our number two doesn’t work for us… who does it work for?
5. Young Guns
Okay, so this one might be more of an “outhouse” than a “bathroom”, but you get more than your money’s worth with a whopping TWO outhouse scenes. If you wanna see Emilio Estevez get his dick out, piss, and shoot shit, then this is your movie.
4. Saw: The Musical
Technically, my blog is Jeff-themed, not movie-themed, so a stage production doesn’t break any rules. This sexually charged musical experience brings a more restrained sense of homoeroticism to torture-core horror Saw. Bonus points if you sit in the splash zone and get sprayed with brown water from the toilet.
3. Final Destination
I know a movie about a bunch of young people suffering horrific deaths might sound sad, but it’s important to remember that these teens are being used as human shields by Hamas. The IDF had no choice but to blow up that plane and any survivors who got off. Israel has a right to defend itself.
2. The World’s End
Sometimes, Jeff knows what he’s talking about.
1. Seven Stages to Achieve Eternal Bliss
There’s a lot of bathroom scenes to pick from in this movie, most of which revolve around suicide. Seven Stages is mostly bathroom scenes, depicting a couple whose new home’s bathtub is a holy site for the local cult. Quirky and ritualistic self sacrifice ensue in this bathroom bonanza!
Top 10 4 Matchups I Am Demanding Be Featured on the Hard Ticket Podcast
I just got off the phone with the International Criminal Court. Since it’s become clear they can’t do anything about the genocide, they’ve agreed to focus the entirety of their impotent power into the second most pressing issue in the world—supporting my ideas for matchups to be featured on Hard Ticket. As such, I hereby request my ideas be used in future episodes of Hard Ticket, though I am willing to settle for past episodes if need be.
4. Godzilla vs. King Kong
One monster a metaphor for the unknown dangers of the atom, unlocked by man before being understood. The other, a metaphor we’d all rather not think about. Given the spate of Godzilla and/or Kong team-up and/or versus movies, this seems like an obvious choice. For that reason, I will only be charging a modest finder’s fee to use this matchup.
3. Jaws vs. Sharknado
Two equally influential movies duking it out to see who’s the real Great White in this ocean of content. Steven Spielberg’s titan of film which became the first ever blockbuster movie going head to head with John Sharknado’s modern masterpiece which became the first ever Sharknado movie. This episode would be great during Shark Week or whenever Israel starts shooting marine apex predators at civilians. Whichever comes first.
2. Forrest Gump vs. Reagan
Few things have aged worse than Forrest Gump. Thankfully, one of those things is Ronald Reagan. Before he was a dead piece of shit, the late fucker found himself wandering into the middle of every serious issue in America and finding new, exciting ways to ruin lives. Much like the titular Gump’s run across American history, Reagan follows a bloated corpse throughout his life. We get to see Ronny snitching on his friends in Hollywood during the height of McCarthyism, then win the Presidency and single-handedly destroy the Berlin Wall. Seeing as Gump and Reagan are of similar intelligence, this would be a great matchup between two intellectual giants.
1. Clerks vs. Clerks III
There aren’t a lot of movies that can stand up to Kevin Smith’s debut feature Clerks. In the absence of a worthy adversary, a successor will have to do. Clerks III tells the story of the original Clerks production, though obviously with a shallow in-movie justification of why these characters would make the very film they were the stars of. It’s sort of the more mature version of The Jay and Silent Bob Reboot, bringing back all your favorite characters from the Askewniverse to deliver a surprisingly compelling sequel. Speaking of which…
Top 10 Movies That Deserve Sequels
Everyone loves a good sequel, and you can never have too many movies in your franchise. Just look at the runaway success of the MCU, which recently released its 37th entry. Sure, 37 may not sound like a lot in the context of movies, but imagine sucking that many dicks! In a row! Sure is a lot now, huh?
10. The Virgin Suicides
Aside from bringing us the standout performance of Kirk Gonnsen’s career (Cemetery Worker #2), The Virgin Suicides can be a bit of a downer. My idea for the sequel eliminates all the themes and tone of the original to provide an upbeat, bodycount-positive “bro” movie. The Manwhore Manslaughters would be, in contrast to its predecessor, a Tate-pilled sigma cinematic event. The story would revolve around five bros crushing vag and bruising the soft tissue of any liberal cucked enough to stand in their way.
9. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
The most inventive sci-fi event of the millennium so far has been Rogue One. The biggest issue with this exercise in intergalactic direct action is that it ends on such a cliffhanger. At the end of the movie, we see the rebels secure a key victory in their ongoing struggle against the totalitarian power of the state. This is in spite of the appearance of a shadowy figure cloaked in black who tears his way through the rebel forces aboard the Tantive IV. What’s his story?! Rogue One definitely needs a sequel ASAP, so we can see what the rebels’ newfound hopefulness means for this war in the stars.
8. The Ugly Stepsister
A continuation of this body horror lullaby’s story would be difficult to execute well. Instead, I think a sequel should revolve around grizzly takes on similar fairy tales. I want to see a version of Hansel and Gretel where the which has to explain to the ICC that she tried to burn those children to death in self defense. I want to see a version of Goldilocks and The Three Bears where Goldilocks drives the bears from their home using American arms and then claims it’s antisemitic for the bears to be sad about it. I want to see a version of Snow White where the evil queen is a former member of the IDF. Modern takes on yesterday’s classics!
7. Roar
I’ll be the first to admit that the original Roar suffered from one major flaw—there were too many people on set who knew what they were doing. My proposal for a sequel aims to address that issue. Imagine even more lions, even less experts, and a handful of government officials. Roar 2: Look Who’s Roaring would be shot at the White House and would be the very first movie to depict the death of a US President without ever hiring an actor. Even if it doesn’t hit it big at the box office, it will be money well spent.
6. 8 Mile
2002 was the year that Eminem had the biggest movie in the world and the biggest album in the world—simultaneously. I think a lot of fans would be interested to see where B-Rabbit’s career has gone in the years since his legendary battle at the Shelter. Would he have been involved with Diddy parties? Whose side would he take in the Kendrick-Drake feud? I like to think he would’ve been featured on WAP. But more importantly, if we force Eminem to make a movie, maybe he’ll make more music to go with it.
5. American History X
Face it, baby—Nazis are back in style. What better way to capitalize on the nostalgia market than to make American History Z. While the original film starred Gen X’er Edward Norton, this sequel would focus on a young, hip Gen Z white supremacist. Skibidi toilet back to your own country!
4. Civil War
A24’s Civil War was criticized for its timidity and lack of any clear perspective. Rather than a direct continuation of the original film, Civil War II would explain what these different factions are actually fighting about. Rather than taking pictures of people making a stand, our heroes would have actual opinions. This sequel would have the added benefit of being cheap to film. Just wait for the inevitable real-life civil war to kick off and let them create the devastated city sets for you!
3. Boogie Nights
The nature of pornography has changed since Wahlberg first donned his oversized prosthetic penis. How would our himbo hero fare in the age of OnlyFans? I want to see Marky Mark portray an aging porn star, whose body has become as soft and shitty as his cock isn’t. I want to see him struggling with the moral question of playing a pervy stepdad, having sex with a slew of 18-year-olds clearly dressed to appear younger, all the while knowing that the rate of incest in America is increasing, and research indicates that the increasingly mainstream presence of “fauxcest” porn is to blame. I’d also love to see a comeback from Dustin Hoffman, who’s been pretty quiet lately. Hope he’s enjoying retirement!
2. The Lego Batman Movie
There are no words to describe how badly I want a sequel to this movie. I would happily spill my seed for 100 Lego Batman movies, covering the entirety of the caped crusader’s 85+ year history. Imagine all of the greatest moments of Batman’s career playing out in glorious minifigure fashion: the death of Jason Todd—disassembled by the Joker, the rebuilding of Gotham following the No Man’s Land quakes—in this case featuring very literal rebuilding, and the reclaiming of the Bat-mantle from Azrael in the wake of Knightsend. Just thinking about it has me bricked up.
1. Survachelors
I want that fucking rose, Jeff.
Hard Flickit 