“Monthly Movies”: A Comeback No One Wanted

Hello, my children. It’s been quite a long while since Jeff has given us shit content to suckle upon, but in the spirit of the Christmas season, he has risen. I might be confusing Easter and Christmas, but the point is that Jeff finally posted something new.

“Monthly Movies”, Jeff’s soft core reboot, is a nightmare from beginning to end. He begins the article by discussing the wild state of his life, without once mentioning his crippling addiction to funneling alcohol into his bowels. That is the only part any of us were interested in. He then goes on to dedicate some time to his 10 favorite movies from this endeavor, which include, in classic Jeffrey Boggers fashion, some real stinkers.

Psycho, a film now revered as the quintessential horror classic, was at the top of this shit list, surprising no one. To say this film has been overrated by Jeff would not be an overstatement. Even the most well known of scenes from this movie, the famous, the infamous, the ubiquitous scene where a background character says some racist shit in a pawn shop, is a cinematic clusterfuck. And seeing as the entire movie is shot in black and white, this clusterfuck is interracial.

To be honest, I’ve never seen any of the other top 10 movies Jeffrey discussed, but I’m assuming that means they suck. If they were good, my friend Owen Musko Minor would have told me about them. So in order to prove my genetic and cinematic superiority to Jeff, and to keep us all busy until next year when that illiterate fuck manages to finally string together another rambling post, I’ve compiled my own list of 53 movies to watch. It’s one longer than Jeff’s list, and unlike the list bearing Jeff’s seal of approval, mine has movies that are actually about seals.

1. Spider-Man: No Way Home

2. Jack Frost 2

3. Tusk

4. Pervy Step Parents Watch Bro Cum Inside His Stepsis – My Family Pies S4:E3

5. The Layover

6. Spider-Man: No Way Home, but this time you get to touch yourself

7. Doolittle (This is one of the ones with seals that I mentioned earlier)

8. Jeruzalem

9. Captain Marvel

10. Happier than Ever: A Love Letter to Los Angeles

11. I’m Thinking of Ending Things

12. Avengers: Endgame, but just the part where Ant-Man yells “Flick me!”

13. Zootopia (Not sure, but this may be another seal movie, I haven’t actually seen it but I’m sure there’s a lot of animals in it, so why not seals?)

14. Army of One

15. American Sniper (This one is about a different kind of seal)

16. Spider-Man: Mo Way Home, but this time we’re watching it just to spite Jeff and his 2 1/2 star review for this glorious fucking work of art

17. Dark Side of the Womb

18. THE CHATS – SMOKO (OFFICIAL VIDEO) https://youtu.be/j58V2vC9EPc

19. [ Removed by Reddit for copyright infringement ]

20. Leaving Neverland

21. Shaolin Soccer

22. The Lobster

23. Hairspray, because it’s the only movie Lauren will watch without getting pissed off

28. The Aerial

29. The Smoko Music Video that Jeff never made because he was too busy shitting on all my favorite movies

32. Fuck it, Spider-Man: No Way Home again.

39. The Brandon Footage Where He Fucks Around for 8 Minutes and Jeff Gets Annoyed

44. Baby Kaely – Now They’re Up in Heaven

49. Blackfish (Also may involve seals, I’m not sure, but I’d like for us to find out together)

50. Spider-Man: Homecoming

51. Spider-Man: Far From Home

52. Spider-Man: No Way Home

53. Survachelors

Well, there you have it. 53 movies (don’t count them) to carry you through Jeff’s next hiatus. Don’t watch them all at once and no, you are not allowed to skip any of the repeats of Spider-Man. And I don’t know why you’d want to, it’s his stickiest movie yet.