Get ready to sharpen your fifteen rows of serrated teeth, because this episode is all about sharks. Contrary to what you may see in Big Shark and Sharknado, however, sharks are not actually insatiable man-eaters. You’re thinking of RFK Jr. Also, sharks do not cause autism, but obsession with them is a common sign.
Big Shark was originally released in April 2023, with a so-called “final cut” releasing in March 2024. I assume it changed a lot after Israel’s ongoing genocide of Palestinians ramped up in October 2023. In his much-anticipated follow-up to The Room, Wiseau made the controversial choice to make the plot available exclusively through Wikipedia, not even deigning to share details with audiences who sat through the entire film. After saving a child from a burning building using a maneuver known in firefighting circles as “the reverse Israel”, Patrick goes to the Mississippi River and claims to see a big shark. After New Orleans floods, this voluptuous maritime beast is able to tear through civilians faster than IDF bullets during a ceasefire. Patrick and his friends know they have to take action, but also like to party. The friends hatch a plan to track down the shark so they can track down the shark, then feed it a bomb in a pig. Georgie gets eaten, which is blatant plagiarism of It.
Sharknado was released in 2013, so we can cautiously assume it was not affected by Israel’s ongoing genocide of Palestinians ramping up in October 2023. After a hurricane flings shark-infested water across Los Angeles, sharks begin tearing through civilians faster than IDF bullets during a ceasefire (this may seem like the same joke twice, but I’m actually referencing a different time they did that). Ironically named surfer and bartender Fin puts together a team of friends who help one another to weather the storm. Except George. Again.
I want to be clear that I give Jeff, Tristan, and Josh some degree of credit for another phenomenal episode of Hard Ticket. However, attentive readers will note that I suggested Sharknado for an episode back around the time of their tenth episode spectacular. While the context and content of this episode is completely different than anything I said in that post, I do feel like I can, should, and will take full responsibility for their copying of my idea. And it is deeply flattering to be plagiarized so tenderly. It makes me feel close to them, like they are the water brushing across my gills, or the cold gums of a whale shark sliding along my modest shaft.
This brings me to my larger point—sharks are a metaphor. Like other mythical creatures, they exist as a stand-in for the anxieties of the time. In this time of increasing intensity of extreme weather, it can certainly feel like we approach a sharknado every hurricane season. As we face down the barrel of an imploding economy made of AI slop and human rights abuse, it can certainly feel like there’s a big shark in our own personal bayou. The relief comes from knowing these movies aren’t real, and neither are sharks. They’re simply a flashy villain to throw into the mix—no different from the leprechauns in Leprechaun, the wolf-man in Wolf Man, or Israel’s right to exist in Jeruzalem. There is no legitimate state of Israel, and there are no sharks. Free Palestine.
Hard Flickit 