This week’s episode of Hard Ticket pit modern classic Scott Pilgrim vs. The World against hidden gem Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. This will be the last time I type out either movie’s name in full. Movie names should always be short, and preferably monosyllabic, like Tusk. Unfortunately, neither of these films features a walrus, and both exemplify the trope of the “manic pixie dream girl”. In fact, when I googled “manic pixie dream girl” (I wanted to know if I should hyphenate), Clementine and Romona Flowers were the first two pictures that appeared. Now, some people will criticize the trope, rightfully pointing out that many of these characters seem to exist solely as a means of advancing the male protagonist’s character development and the story at large. However, I find that manic pixie dream girls are just my type. Not because I’m sexist and want to use women for my own growth, but because I’m selfish and want to use people for my own growth. The fact that the people I am attracted to happen to be women is an unrelated character flaw. Unfortunately, neither Michael Cera nor Jim Carrey are helping me move past that particular perversion.
Scott Pilgrim is, essentially, a turducken of nerd culture. Video games, anime, comic books, and an attraction to Asian schoolgirls all combine in this feast for the senses. Please only feast on the first three things I listed. Our story follows unremarkable bassist/Drake fan Scott Pilgrim, whose favorite chord is A minor. Scott is dating an underage girl. It’s unclear if this is because he’s a libertarian, but probably. Then, he meets resident MPDG Ramona Flowers, and decides to cheat on his grooming victim girlfriend with her. As surprised as Scott is to realize he wants to be with an adult woman instead of a child legally incapable of consent, he is even more surprised to learn that Ramona has a number of evil exes, all of whom he will have to battle in order to be with her. From there, the movie features heavy action, as we see rumored Epstein client Scott Pilgrim engage in brightly colored, highly kinetic battles against Romona’s evil exes. In the end, Scott manages to defeat the final evil ex with the power of pedophilia self-respect, which functions the same as the power of any other sword. Finally, after a night of kung fu fighting, Scott and Ramona are able to be together. Scott Pilgrim ultimately suffers, however, from its female characters being reduced to plot devices, rather than the strong queens and/or credible accusers they should be.
Eternal Sunshine, thankfully, gives us a break from pedophilia that Scott Pilgrim and the President just won’t. I first watched it in high school, because I’m not a poser movie buff like Tristan, a movie fan who looks buff when he poses. The film features celebrated penguin connoisseur Jim Carrey as the protagonist, Joel. All of us have been through a rough breakup and wanted to erase all evidence that person ever existed. Joel and his estranged love Clementine take that even further than I did when I burned down every restaurant I had been to with Jeffrey. Joel learns that Clementine has hired a company called Lacuna, which is still more reliable than anything Musk-related, to remove her memories of their relationship. Falling victim to peer pressure from someone who no longer remembers being his peer, Joel decides to do the same. From there, the audience watches as Joel frantically and futilely resists the process. The movie ends with Joel and Clementine traveling to Montauk and finding one another again.
It’s been an exciting episode to see Jeff’s favorite movie trounce the shit out of Scott Pilgrim. The last time a child predator got his shit rocked this hard, Michael Jackson’s doctor got arrested for it. With that being said, I’m not giving my hard ticket to Eternal Sunshine. I’m giving it to a cut of Eternal Sunshine featuring the alternate ending. Yeah, it might not be as good as the original, which is the only non-happy ending that’s ever made me cum, but I haven’t seen it yet and I want to. Honestly, Scott Pilgrim never stood a chance, nor did its alternate ending, which was written by notable teenage girl enjoyer Rob Lowe.
Both films feature male protagonists who could be best described as boring. Their female protagonists are quirky objects of affection, not unlike myself. Unlike myself, they serve primarily to move the plot forward (I never move the plot forward, I’m very bad at plotting). It may seem quaint to criticize a portrayal of women in cinema as not being sufficiently nuanced, given the way things have shifted in recent years. After all, there may soon be laws in place which preclude people of certain gender identities from owning guns. And if these laws are passed, how will young women defend themselves from pedophiles like Scott Pilgrim and the President?
Hard Flickit 