2019 was quite a year for Jefflix. We saw some of Jeff’s worst work yet, but most importantly, I began studying him in an effort to document his every incoherent syllable. Here’s a look back at the best and worst of 2019, however interchangeable they may be.
Most Overlooked: “12 Days of Cinema: The Rise of Skywalker”
I didn’t read it.
Biggest Success: “12 Days of Cinema: Honey Boy”
Two whole comments, what a fucking success story, Jesus Christ, try not to let the fame go to your fucking head, Jeff. That’s how Shia LaBeouf was able to get fucked up enough to write this movie.
Most Unabashedly Beautiful
It’s Brandon.
Most Anxiety-Inducing: “Joker: Not Bad. Not a Masterpiece”
Joker‘s stellar reception should’ve been cause for celebration, but all this success was compromised by Jeff’s anxiety-inducing review. I’ve had actual panic attacks more enjoyable than this post, which sounds like the inner monologue of Alex Jones if he had a bad trip and got super paranoid. Jeff worrying that Joker sets a precedent where superhero movies are the new artistic standard is the same paranoid vibe as my grandpa worrying that “the gays” are gonna “shove it down his throat”. He also fails to mention how Joaquin Phoenix has used the movie to solidify his place as one of the premier hunks in Hollywood. With the body of Tony and the emotional stability of my dad, there wasn’t a limp willy in that theater.
Honorable mentions for anxiety factories that didn’t make the cut include finals week and my recurring nightmare where Brandon marries my mom.
Greatest Disappointment: “It’s Time to Admit This About Quentin Tarantino”
Jeff has spent most of 2019 finding a way to insult Tarantino in any review he writes, but nowhere does his vindictive agenda shine brighter than in his review of Once Upon a Time… In Hollywood. Reviewing Tarantino’s work should be an effortless home run for any halfwit with internet access. Just give it 10/10 and call it a day. Instead, Jeff critiques our lord and savior before finally kink-shaming him for liking feet.
Lesser disappointments include Zach’s birth and not seeing James Martin at Bridge Day.
Largest Pile of Shit: “Spider-Man: Far From Home”
Disney’s cinematic triumph debuted in theaters this July, much to Jeff’s chagrin. From start to finish, Jeff harps on a Marvel superhero movie for not containing the same nuance and thematic development of some indie bullshit film produced by a pansexual soybean farmer in a hemp sports bra. I’m sorry that Jeff’s too insecure about his itty-bitty web shooter to praise Tom Holland’s big-dicked performance. I bet if Andrew Garfield was still donning the CGI unitard, Jeff would’ve given the movie a better review.
Some less noteworthy clusterfucks include Hurricane Katrina and the Israel-Palestine conflict.
Most Unjust Praise: “12 Days of Cinema: The Lighthouse”
I’ve been up Jeff’s back alley enough times to know that The Lighthouse is right up his alley. A black and white movie? Based on a greek myth with no relevance to modern life? Check and check. Jeff’s praise for this movie is the perfect descriptor of his film taste. If the movie is produced by someone who can’t pay their mortgage and has anywhere between five and ten tense periods of silence, there’s a pretty good chance Jeff is gonna cream his jeans worse than Shaq at a kindergarten.
Best Pictures
2019 was a great year for movies, despite Jeff’s best efforts to ruin it for everyone. To celebrate this, here are some of the best movies of the year.
Avengers: Endgame
Avengers: Endgame had some of the most satisfying moments in the entire MCU. There was Ant-Man yelling “flick me”, and no other examples. Its three hour runtime follows a Tarantino-esque structure, with a massive payoff at the end. I just wish that Deadpool would have showed up to take out the bad-bad.
Midsommar
Religion is a very important part of my life, which is why I was so excited to see a film that promotes my traditional values. Midsommar has everything you could want out of a movie. I’m talking murder-suicide (the best kind of suicide), unattractive nudity, and a Narnia of sexual terror.
Once Upon a Time… In Hollywood
Even though Tex was less than impressed with this cinematic triumph, I think Tarantino is gonna be okay. From unshaven pits to fried bitches to Margot Robbie’s needlessly barefoot scenes, this is one for the history books. I was heavily involved in the filming process (meaning I went to Universal Studios while they were filming and yelled “Quentin” off the tram), so it’s especially rewarding to see this movie do so well.
Brightburn
Finally, Pam’s ex-fiance Roy gets what he deserves in Brightburn. This dark take on the Superman story is much more realistic because if Superman were real, I can guarantee he’d be a racial supremacist. If he can fly with super speed, why not perv on a little girl? Why not de-jaw your uncle? We all have these thoughts, but Brightburn has the courage to execute them with the same conviction that Texas executes special needs people, earning it a spot with the best movies of 2019.
Booksmart
How could this comedy, which is essentially Superbad if Michael Cera was a lesbian (which isn’t too far-fetched actually), not be on my list? It’s filled with important life lessons, like “I don’t need to be smart. I just need to be smooth and flexible.” Words to live by. Even if they are spoken by a bitch who gets cucked like a motherfucker.
Marriage Story
Despite its misleading title, Marriage Story is one of my favorite movies of 2019. Adam Driver and Scarlet Johansson both deliver ambiguously likable performances as soon-to-be divorcees. Because of this movie, I’m finally able to start my day the right way, by watching the scene where Adam Driver sings for way too long. My only complaint is that the movie isn’t really realistic because Scarlet Johansson would never be able to get a guy as hot as Adam Driver in real life.
Captain Marvel
What else can be said about the best movie of 2019? One word. Ten toes. FEET!
Aside from bringing us Brie Larson’s nude debut (from the ankle down), this movie single-handedly solved sexism. Thanks, Disney! Now no one can get mad at them when they do a live-action remake of Sleeping Beauty starring a pre-teen as Princess Aurora, Harvey Weinstein as Prince Phillip, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg as Maleficent.
Hard Flickit 