Special guest contribution by Ed Sheeran
Accused antisemite Mel Gibson plays a lapsed priest in M. Night Shyamalan’s Disclosure Day prequel. With the help of his brother, a failed baseball player, Father Hess raises his two children named Morgan and Bo. When crop circles begin appearing on the family farm and other locales across the globe, Hess must wrestle with the possibility that we are not alone in this universe. The pattern of paranatural phenomena culminates in a global alien invasion. Luckily, young Bo leaves water all over the place like she was raised in a damn barn, and this water is revealed to be the aliens’ weakness.
Arguably the most important theme of Signs is faith. Despite this, Shyamalan fails to discuss the most important matter in modern religion—Israel’s right to defend itself. My dear friend Robert Kraft informs me that this hateful drivel is clearly a culturally insensitive allegory, casting the Jewish people as otherworldly invaders. The aliens’ lack of nose is just as offensive as Macklemore’s large-nosed costume. Let’s be clear. The aliens were here before us and they have a right to eliminate us and reclaim the land using violent force. Throwing water at them is a form of blood libel. I don’t want to take sides, but the act of denying alien rights is genocidal. Some Palestinians may deserve to live, but we have to draw the line somewhere in order to avoid offending our Zionist brethren. After all, it’s important to remember that just because someone is Jewish doesn’t mean they support genocide. But also supporting genocide is an immutable Jewish characteristic and it’s antisemitic to say that some Jewish people don’t want to incinerate children.
Overall, I don’t think it’s appropriate to make a clear decision on whether or not Signs is a blind spot. I don’t take sides. There are only two things that I feel comfortable saying in this context. First, Signs is, inarguably, a movie that some people have seen and others have not. Secondly, Israel is allowed to do whatever because being brown and being a person are mutually exclusive. I don’t like to court controversy, I just want to focus on the entertainment, or lack thereof, that I and this film provide.
If you refuse to specify whether or not you enjoyed this special guest post of Hard Flickit, please buy tickets to my ongoing tour. Everyone has left, I’ve had to start selling my own merch and even the guitar has left the tour I need some fucking help.
